Feeling special

My whole life, I've struggled with having confidence in myself. I want to feel special, that is my deepest, most overpowering thirst.

I tried to be smart because it made me feel special. So, I ended up as a know-it-all.

I tried to be a good missionary, because it made me feel special. So, I ended up panicking and getting depressed when I encountered my weaknesses.

I wanted to find an amazing wife, (beautiful, outgoing, accomplished) so that people would think, "wow, he must be special to have attracted a woman like that."

I spent countless hours in the gym trying to pack on muscle, convinced that if I was fitter, people would think me special.

And now lately, I have been spending lots of effort and money on clothing, trying to feel attract...what? Girls? Attention?

And all the things I've ever suppressed in my personality, writing, fandom, singing, I've banished all that because people wouldn't approve.

In short, I want people to notice me and tell me I'm special, and I want them to be sincere!!! 

All my major sources of disquiet in life have come because I simply don't feel special and I seek for affirmation in  the wrong places. I am focused outward, not upward.

How could God possibly make me special, especially if everybody else is just as equally special as I am?

When I feel the Spirit, I feel special.

"For they that are after the flesh do mind things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit." 
~~Romans 8:5